Is it or isn’t it?

I honestly don’t know if I struggle with depression or not and that honestly sounds like the dumbest thing to say. I was very low after the birth of my eldest daughter but did nothing about it. I have always been “moody” and just thought this was normal. I was a royal bitch though. I would bait my ex husband for fights all the time, I was short tempered, irritable and tearful. I could literally change in the space of a few minutes and the worst bit was I knew I was doing it but couldn’t stop myself.
My marriage broke down and I met Tony and things settled beautifully. I still was prone to low times but felt I could work through them. Then I had my youngest daughter. I was terrified all the way through the pregnancy that I would get depressed again. And I did but not until she was 7 months old and I went back to work.
I struggled on and off anti depressants for some time and then after 4 years I burned out and quit my job as a university lecturer.
6 months later I started back working as a nurse. I managed to get my dose of citalopram down to 10mg daily but every time I try to come off it my irritability and mood swings return with avengence and my anger issues are huge.
Is this depression? Am I simply just a stroppy miserable cow? When you look at the text book definition of depression I don’t really fit. I still care about how I look. I try to do my hair every day. I am going to the gym and watching my figure. I do find myself sleeping more if I can manage to but I still function. I still go to work and hold a very responsible job as a specialist nurse. I try to eat sensibly but do sometimes find myself binging but that’s not that odd really is it. We all do that sometimes.
Today or actually all of this week, I have been feeling really low. Not because of my monthly cycle that’s definite. Can’t pin point why but I want to be alone. I want to cry. I hate how I look. None of my clothes fit me. I work my ass off but we are skint so I can’t buy any at the moment. I know I should be grateful I have my health my family etc etc but TBH I don’t feel it. How can I make it better if I don’t know what it is or how to treat it?


2 thoughts on “Is it or isn’t it?

  1. *hugs hun*

    Welllll, as someone who’s been reading your posts for a while, there are times when you do *sound* depressed. (*Is not a medical professional!*). Your last paragraph definitely sounds it, and so in a way does not recognising it. You say you’re unhappy but don’t know why, and think you “should” be feeling things but aren’t. What would you say to someone else telling you that?

    Plenty of people are functioning and depressed at the same time, and different people have different symptoms. I’m pretty sure irritability can be one.

    Does it negatively affect your life (yes), and does citalopram help (seems so) – that is something to be starting with, anyway?

    Are there any anxiety components to yours? Cos anxiety disorders and depression go hand in hand often and give yet another mix of reactions.

    This is a very tentative suggestion because it might go very wrong…but there’s a hella lot of discussion of depression this week from sufferers. If it wouldn’t make it worse, might be worth looking now or sometime in the future to see if any of them speak to you as being a similar experience to yours?

    I’m responding some days late, and I hope am not being too annoying! I live with someone with depression, but everyone’s different.

    • Mmm anxiety is definitely a component I think but mostly (on this occasion) is tiredness and need for a holiday. That said I am still not quite right but hey ho maybe I am never destined to be quite right LOL
      Oh and BTW def not annoying thank you for reading and taking time it does help. I have also discovered that getting off Facebook is quite therapeutic also. I have deleted everyone except family that live in Scotland and friends in Australia that I want to keep in touch with. FB is just way to stressful.

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